Promises
by The-Winchesters-Are-Safe
Summary: Cas makes promises he can't keep, Dean doesn't know how to handle grief and it's Sammy's turn to pick up all the pieces. This is a series of oneshots, which could be read in any order, but they do have a chronological order. They take place after the events of 8:23, after Cas becomes human and lives with Sam and Dean.
1. Chapter 1: The Promise

_"Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide."  
_-**Demons**, Imagine Dragons

Dean found it so odd to see Cas like this. His eyes were wide with fear, but love was evident underneath his wariness. His hands loosely griped Dean's shoulders, like he was searching for some kind of reassurance.

Dean, on the other hand, was fearless. He gazed down at Cas, taking in every inch of the angel's face. One of his hands lazily brushed against Cas's hair, while the other securely gripped his tie.

Dean had never been happier in his life. Sure, he had been in bed with many, _many_, people before, but this was different. He loved Cas. Loved him more than he had ever loved Lisa, or Anna, or Cassie. Possibly even more than the impala. He had risked his life for Cas on countless occasions, and Cas had done the same for him.

"Dean, I-"

Dean smirked as Cas fumbled for words. He was enjoying his ability to render Cas speechless. "Something wrong Cas?"

Cas frowned as he searched for words. His expression was pained. All he wanted was to ask Dean if he was sure that this was what he wanted.

Dean raised an eyebrow and began to loosen Cas's tie. "Don't strain yourself Cas, you'll get a brain tumor."

Cas swallowed, trying to think straight as he met Dean's light green eyes. "Are you sure?" He asked quietly.

Dean frowned. "About the brain tumor?" He asked, pointedly avoiding the question.

Cas rolled his eyes. "I mean, are you sure about … _us_." He murmured the last word almost inaudibly.

Dean studied Cas's face. His wide, innocent eyes, his tousled hair, his slightly creased eyebrows. His eyes finally came to rest on Cas's lips. "Castiel." He said slowly and deliberately. "I have never been so sure about something in my entire life." He finished undoing Cas's tie, and moved his hands to cup Cas's face, propping himself up on his elbows. A smile slowly spread across his face. "Cas, if it's ok with you, I'd really like to kiss you right now."

Cas smiled and tilted his head. "I'd like that." Almost instantly, a blush formed on his cheeks.

Dean grinned and leant down, pressing his lips against Cas's gently, as if trying not to break him. Cas tightened his grip around Dean's shoulders, pulling himself closer to him. Dean responded by pushing himself closer to Cas, and kissing him deeper.

Cas broke off the kiss, opening his electric blue eyes. The look of shock was still evident on his face, but all fear was gone.

Dean sat up, frowning. "Cas are you ok?"

Cas smiled and pulled himself, bringing himself to eye level with Dean, sitting in front of him. "I just realised something." He said, not breaking eye contact with Dean. "I love you."

Before Dean could respond, Cas kissed him again, but this time, he was hungrier. He grabbed Dean's shirt, his hands curling into fists as he gripped him tight.

Dean was taken aback by how forward Cas was, but it didn't take him long to regain control. He slip his hands onto Cas's shoulders, underneath his bulky trenchcoat.

Cas, without breaking away from kiss, helped Dean remove the coat, then resumed to holding Dean's face and neck, while Dean shakily undid the buttons on Cas's shirt.

The broke away from each other for a second as Cas lifted Dean's shirt over his head, and Dean finished unbuttoning Cas.

They sat there in silence for a few seconds, drinking each other in. Cas was the first to move. He place a hand on his own handprint scar on Dean's shoulder.

Dean smiled softly, his eyes tender. "I guess you called dibs."

Cas looked at him, his face very serious. "Dean, I have hurt you in every way imaginable. I betrayed you, I used you and I left you. I have no right to claim you."

Dean looked like he was about to object, but Cas continued. "I have no right to claim you, but I'm going to anyway." He gripped Dean's shoulder tighter. "Dean you are mine, and I will never, _never_, leave you again."

Dean grabbed Cas by the waist and pulled him into a hug. Cas pressed his forehead against Dean's shoulder. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas's waist. "God damn it Cas." Dean said, his voice thick. "You're an idiot if you thought I would ever let you leave again."

Cas had existed for hundreds of thousands of years. From heaven, he had watched people fall in an out of love and he had never understood. It confused him why people put there heart out in the open just to be stepped on and crushed. He'd seen heartbreak, and he didn't know why humans thought it was worth it.

But as he sat on the bed, wrapped in Dean's loving embrace, he knew that it was worth it. He would rather die right now, then live another eternity without ever knowing Dean. A future without him was a cold, empty future. Worthless.

"I love you Dean. And I'm so, so sorry."

Dean wrapped his arms tighter around Castiel's waist. "Stop saying sorry. I've already forgiven you. I'm not perfect either Cas, you know what I did in Hell, and you know that I'm just as broken as you." He paused. "I love you, you stupid son of a bitch."


	2. Chapter 2: Broken

_"I've fallen from grace, took a blow to my face. I've loved and I've lost . . . It's ok to be afraid, but it will never be the same."  
_-**Explosions **by Ellie Goulding

The rain was a relentless force that came down in bucketfuls. Umbrella's decorated the small space, making the clearing seem somewhat smaller. Only a few people gathered, but then again, only a few were left. Maybe there were many more gathered there in spirit, but only four stood around the fresh grave.

Sam was standing next to Dean, propping him up. If Dean had gotten his own way, he would be back home, drowning all of feeling in a bottle of whisky, until he was comfortably numb. But Sam had pulled him out of bed, and dragged his sorry ass down to the clearing. Kevin stood on the other side of Dean, his hand on his shoulder for support.

The fourth and final person was somewhat unwelcome, yet there Crowley stood, slightly apart from the other three.

That was it. The only four people left alive, who had been lucky enough to know Castiel. Sam didn't say anything, but he knew who else would have been here. Bobby, Jo, Ellen, Meg, Chuck, maybe even Gabriel.

When no-one said anything, Sam moved forward, letting Dean lean against Kevin. "Cas, no one thought it would end like this." He paused. "Actually, scratch that, we all knew it would end like this. We all knew that you would die sacrificing yourself. That's just what you do … did." Sam corrected himself quickly. "You clean up or messes, and we clean up yours. That's just the way it works."

Before Sam could say anymore, Dean said the first word he said since Castiel died. "Leave."

All three heads turned to Dean, who was making his way over to the unmarked headstone. His movements were jerky and uncoordinated, like he had forgotten how to walk. "Leave." He repeated, his voice thick.

Sam stepped forward, trying to steady him. "Dean, are you sure? I don't think it's a good idea for you to-"

"I said leave!" Dean yelled, sinking to his knees on the wet ground. He was losing it.

Sam took a step back. He had never seen Dean so open and vulnerable. Sure, when Cas had died, Dean shattered, but his anger and rage had fueled him. Now, that anger was gone, and Dean was running on empty. He couldn't hold it together. All Sam could see was his brother falling apart.

"Ok Dean, ok."

Sam and Kevin walked away, until Dean and Crowley were alone in the clearing. Crowley took a few steps toward the grave and touched a hand to the headstone, a silent tribute, before disappearing.

Dean was alone, sitting in the pouring rain which chilled him to his core. Maybe he would be lucky enough to die out here, next to Castiel.

"FUCK!" He screamed, his voice filled with raw pain. "Cas you stupid son of a bitch!" He punched the headstone, and felt white hot pain bloom behind his knuckles. But he could handle it. Dean was no stranger to pain. It didn't seem to matter much anymore anyway.

"God damn it you fucking idiot! You fucking selfish bastard!" He punched the rock again, and his skin tore. Warm blood seeped over his chilled fingers. "What am I supposed to do now? You promised Cas, you fucking _promised_!" Dean slammed his fists against the ground, his anger seeping out of him slowly, like the blood down his fingers. He curled up into a ball on the wet ground, the rain pelting against a freckled cheek.

"Do you remember that Cas? Do you remember? Do you remember …" His voice trailed off and faded until he was left shaking silently. Memories assaulted him as he lay there, the memory of Castiel dying in his arms still strong.

After the angels fell, Cas found his way back to Sam and Dean. They had a month. One whole month, free from any worries. Maybe a small hunt every so often, but really they just spent their time adjusting. It was a huge luxury to indulge in normalcy for a few days. Dean took it upon himself to teach Castiel all of the basics about being human, and for once, everything felt fucking easy.

Then, one night, Castiel was gone. Dean woke up to find the other side of his bed empty. Castiel had left all of his possessions behind, along with a short note to Dean.

_'Dean, I'm sorry. I know I promised to stay, but the longer I do, the more I put you and Sam at risk. The angels will find me eventually, and they won't show any mercy. They'd kill you Dean, and I can't let that happen. So I've decided to end it. Don't come looking for me, please. I'm so sorry. I love you.  
Cas."_

Dean had never moved faster in his life. Of course, Castiel's warning about trying not to find him was futile. Dean had found the first psychic he could to find him. That was the easy part though. The hard part was getting there before Castiel did anything stupid. He called Sam, to let him know where he was, and where he was going. The phone call had felt somewhat like an unofficial goodbye. Clearly, what Castiel was planning to do was dangerous, and if Dean couldn't stop him, he would see it through to the end.

In the end, Dean couldn't decide what was worse. Arriving too late, or arriving just in time.

Dean found Castiel on his knees, looking like he was trying to apologize profoundly to a dark haired woman holding an angel sword. There was a murderous glint in her eyes, hurt and anger mixed together to create an overwhelmingly dangerous emotion.

Dean jumped out of the car, barely stopping to pull on the emergency brake.

"CAS!" He yelled, sprinting towards him. Castiel's eyes connected with Dean's, and shock replaced the sadness in his eyes.

The woman turned briefly to see Dean running towards her. With a feral sounding growl, she turned back to Castiel. "Don't hurt him." Castiel said quickly, his own safety the lowest priority. The woman grinned sadistically, and thrust the sword deep into Castiel's stomach.

"NO!" Dean screamed as he reached Castiel, immediately dropping to his knees and pulling Castiel towards him, who's life was bleeding out onto the concrete. Dean was no doctor, but he had seen sword wounds before, and he knew this was bad. The sword was lodged deep in his abdomen. He was beyond all medical help. But that didn't stop Dean from praying.

He looked up at the woman standing before him. All of the rage was gone from her face, and she seemed almost calm. Dean wanted nothing more than to reach up and wrap his hands around her throat. But that wouldn't help Castiel.

"Kill me." He begged, his eyes pleading. He didn't want to have to face what would come after today. He wanted to cut off the darkness before it started. "Please." His voice came out ragged, and it was only then that he realized how much he was falling apart at that moment. "If you know any mercy, kill me."

The woman shook her head. "Justice is done, the traitor will die." She looked like she almost pitied him. "I did what had to be done." Anger flashed over her face again, and Dean could tell that she was thinking back to a time when she had wings and power.

Dean glanced back down at Castiel, who was gasping shallow breaths. Dean felt like someone had reached into his chest, grabbed his heart, and twisted hard. The ache was unimaginable. Cas was dying right there, in his arms.

The woman sighed and walked away. Dean almost chased after her, almost took the sword lodged in Castiel's stomach and stabbed her in the neck. But he restrained himself. Cas needed him now.

"Hey buddy, it's gonna be ok. Stay with me Cas, stay with me." Dean spoke quietly and gently, his voice betraying nothing of the rage that was coiling it's way around him.

Castiel looked up at him, his bright blue eyes wide. He was scared. His whole body shook quietly as his body started to give up. "Dean." He managed, his voice rasping.

Dean lifted Castiel till his head and shoulders rested on his lap. He cupped Castiel's face in his hands, his touch gentle. "I'm here. Hold on Cas, please hold on. Please, you promised, you promised me." Dean could feel tears coming to his eyes, but he swallowed them down.

Castiel coughed, and his whole body shuddered violently. He wasn't going to last much longer. "I'm sorry Dean." He said quietly.

Dean shook his head. "No, no don't talk like that."

Cas looked up at him, his face innocent and eyes trained on Dean's face, like her was memorizing every last part of him, so he could take the memory with him. "Dean. I'm going to die, aren't I?" He asked, so quietly it was almost inaudible. His gaze was so filled with trust and love, Dean could barely bring himself to lie to him.

"You'll be fine." Dean finally choked out, feeling a piece of him die inside. 'You're lying, you're lying to him, and he's dying'. The voice inside his head threatened to tip him over the edge, send him into an emotion wreck. But he held it together,

Castiel shuddered again. "It's cold Dean." He said, his voice trailing off, his eyes going glassy. He was dying.

Dean's body consolved as he held back a sob. "God damn it Cas." He whispered.

Castiel lifted his hand up weakly to brush against Dean's cheek. "You can't save everyone." He murmured.

Dean leant down until his forehead touched Castiel's. He buried his lips in Castiel's dark hair. "I don't want to save everyone, I just want to save you." He admitted, his words lost in Castiel's hair.

Castiel smiled gently. "You did save me." He coughed again, and his eyes went wide. His breathing was now uneven, and everytime he stopped, Dean would kiss his forehead, willing him to stay alive, _praying_ for Castiel to live.

"Please Cas, please!" His voice was broken, and came out in small sobs. Dean couldn't talk, he could barely breathe. He felt like someone was crushing the air out of his lungs. It was like he was the one dying.

"Let go Dean." Castiel whispered. His electric blue eyes flashed, and then went dull. He let out his final breath, and Dean felt him go limp in his arms.

Dean didn't know how long he sat there, holding Castiel's lifeless body against his own, letting all his walls crash down. He had always been the strong hunter, the one to never let feelings get in the way of anything. He wasn't romantic, or someone who cried easily. He was Dean Winchester, and right now, he was falling apart. He would never see Castiel's eyes flash with understanding when Dean taught him some stupid, mundane, _normal_ thing about being human. He would never see him grin when Dean told him some cheesy joke, or when he was just so completely, utterly _happy_. He would never feel the pressure of Castiel's lips on his again, never here him laugh, never wake up next to him, never, never, never …

Cas was gone.

Eventually Dean felt Sam's hand on his shoulder, and felt Castiel being taken away from him, probably by Kevin. He wanted to object, he wanted to have Castiel back. He wanted to hold him. He wasn't ready to say goodbye. But as he felt something heavy draped across his shoulders, Castiel's familiar scent enveloped him. Dean held the trenchcoat tight around him as Sam picked him up, like a child, and laid him down in the backseat of the impala.

As he lay there, Dean heard Kevin and Sam talking about him in hushed voices, thinking he was too far gone to hear.

"He's ruined Sam."

Sam's silence was louder than Kevin's words, louder than the pounding in Dean's head, louder than the roar of the car as they drove away. Finally, just as Dean gave way to the blackness that had been threatening to swallow him ever since Castiel died.

"I know."


	3. Chapter 3: Five years

_"It holds you, so hold me. Until it sleeps."  
_-**Until it sleeps **by Metellica

Dean visits the grave early in the morning, before Sam wakes up. He doesn't want anyone's pity, he doesn't want anyone to give him that sad smile and tell him what day it is because he already fucking knows what day it is.

He just wants to visit Cas.

The days are becoming easier. It's hard though. Some days, he stares long and hard at a gun he's turning over in his hands and wonders if it would be easier just to pull the trigger. He was so close one day. He had the barrel pointed at his face, his finger grazing lightly over the trigger, but he'd stopped himself. Because no matter how bad he felt, no matter how much the pain constricted in his chest, he just couldn't put Sammy through it.

Sam already had to bury on of his best friends, Dean couldn't make him bury his brother too.

Today though, his breath came easier. It was an odd sensation. He was unaccustomed to the complete lack of pain. He wasn't happy, or even content. He was just comfortably numb. No feeling. No happiness, but no pain. It was a nice compromise.

He doesn't have any flowers with him, because Cas wouldn't want flowers. If Dean had ever brought him flowers while he was alive, Cas would've knitted his eyebrows together, and held them at arm's length. "But what do I _do _with them Dean?"

Dean didn't really have anything with him. He couldn't think of anything to bring. He really just wanted to sit and think, and be alone. He could remember better times, and think about the times they could have had.

He arrives at the grave just in time to see the first streaks of light break through the sky. He rolls his eyes at how poetic it is, and sits down, kneeling before the mound of earth in front of him. The numbness is ebbing away, and the familiar stabs of grief grasp at Dean's heart.

"Not today." He mutters to himself. "Remember the good shit."

He looks back at the unmarked headstone, and forces a sad smile onto his face. "Happy five years buddy."


	4. Chapter 4: Bittersweet

"_As strong as you were, tender you go. And watching you breath in, for the last time. A song for your heart, but when it is quiet. I know what it means, and I'll carry you home."_

-**Carry you home **by James Blunt

The worst part is, Dean knows he's dreaming.

If he could just be blissfully unaware, and try to lose himself in this perfect world he created inside his head, maybe he could be happy. Maybe he could enjoy these stolen moments with Castiel. If only he was real. If only, when Dean woke up, Castiel would be lying next to him. But for now, he would accept the escape into the dreams.

This dream was one of the best he'd had in a while. Immediately after Castiel died, for about a week Dean had relived Castiel's final moments over and over again. Everytime exactly the same. He was always just a few seconds too late. The nameless fallen angel would stab him in the stomach, and then Castiel would die in Dean's arms. That was when Dean was at his weakest. He'd convinced himself that it was his fault. The question of 'what if' sat on his lips. What if I'd been faster. What if I'd woken up when he left. What if I'd tried harder to keep him. What if.

Tonight though, the dream was peaceful. Castiel was standing on a peir, looking out over a placid lake, his hands shoved in the pockets of his trench coat. Dean smiled sadly and decided to loose himself in the dream, not worrying about the ache in his chest that would be sure to come when he awoke. He moved behind Castiel, and wrapped his arms around his waist, holding him tight, like he was afraid to let go.

He felt Castiel stiffen at first, then relax when he realised it was Dean. "Hello Dean." Dean could basically hear his smile in his deep voice. God he missed him. He missed him so much.

Without a second thought, Dean turned him around and hugged him tight, their chests pressed together. He wanted to breathe Cas in, memorise every curve of his body, inhale his scent, taste him.

Castiel was obviously surprised by Dean's sudden affection, but he didn't hestitate to return the embrace. "Are you feeling ok Dean?" He asked softly.

Dean nodded and buried his head into the curve of Castiel's neck. "I'm fine." He choked out, pressing his lips to Castiel's skin. Whenever he'd seen Castiel in dreams like this, where everything was peaceful and ok, he would distance himself, afraid of getting too close. If he got too close, he may never want to leave. It was too late for that now though. And for God's sake, he deserved some kind of closure. He knew that this dream would only end badly, but for now, he let himself enjoy Castiel.

Castiel pulled away, his eyes studying Dean's face. The eyes were one of the things Dean missed the most. He'd never been a romantic, but he often found himself falling head first into those bright blue eyes. They changed too. When he was angry, they would harden, and look more stormy gray than they did blue. And when he was laughing, the edges of his eyes would crinkle, and they would shine with life, almost too blue to be real. Right now, they were focused on Dean, and his eyebrows where pulled together in a concerned frown.

"You're sad." He said, no _stated_. Castiel had always been good at reading people when he was an angel, but it seemed that this trait had stayed with him, even as a human.

Dean didn't know what to say. Of course, Castiel was right, but he didn't want him worrying, even if he wasn't exactly real. "Cas, it's fine." He took a deep breath. "Can we just enjoy right now?" He asked.

Castiel's face smoothed over, his concerned expression being replaced by one of affection. "Of course." He said softly, and leant in towards Dean's face.

Dean's breath caught in his throat, and he brought his hands up to cup Castiel's face. He knew that if he kissed him, that would be it, it would ruin him. The dam would be broken, and he would spend all of his time just trying to return to this dream, just so that he could steal a few more minutes, just enough to hold Castiel, to be reminded of what he'd had.

"Wake up." He murmured under his breath, just before his lips collided with Castiels.

He awoke in his bed, and he couldn't stop the habit of reaching out the the other side. Empty, of course. _Remember Dean? Cas is dead. Gone. You'll never have him here again_. He reached for Castiel's pillow, and held it close to him. The dream was starting to fade, but the faint smell of Castiel left on the pillow brought it back to him. He couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.


	5. Chapter 5: Let it Go

"This is why, why we fight. Why we lie awake. And this is why, this is why we fight. When we die, we will die, with our arms unbound. And this is why, this is why, why we fight. Come hell"

-**This is why we fight **by The Decemberists

Castiel wasn't the only one that died that day. According to Sam, Dean died too.

Dean shuffled around the house, basically living in slacks and an old shirt. It was depressing for Sam to see Dean like that. After a week, Sam decided the best treatment would be distractions. He scouted around the area for anything unusual, and took Dean on a few small hunts, just to take his mind away from Castiel.

The were in the impala one evening, tracking down some suposedly 'haunted house' when Dean finally decided to talk. "I know what you're doing Sammy." He said quietly, staring out the front window, his hands gripped tight arouns the stering wheel. "And I appreciate it." Each of his words were said slowly and deliberately, like he was trying not to let emotion slip through his shell. "But it's not really working." He admitted finally, letting his breath out slowly.

Sam nodded, looking out the window. "I know." He smiled softly, but didn't let Dean see. "Y'know, this conversation is very familiar." He said, speaking carefully. He knew he was treading on dangerous ground here. "Do you dream about him?" He asked.

Dean clenched his jaw and set his eyes on the road, refusing to answer.

Sam sighed. "I'm gonna tell you something someone told me a long time ago, when I lost someone I loved." He took a deep breath. "You've got to let it go man, because it's killing you. You've got to stop blaming yourself because there's nothing more you could have done. It's not your fault." He glanced over at Dean again, who was still concentrating on the road, but the anger was gone, and Sam could see the pain screaming all over his tired face. "Dean, I've already lost a good friend, don't make me lose my brother too."

Dean's body shuddered quietly, and Sam knew he was holding back the grief that was threatening to overflow and consume him. "How?" He asked, his voice so raw it sounded like a sob. "How do you do it?" He asked again, his pain so thick you could feel it. "How do you stop the hurting?"

Sam sighed. "You can't stop it." He admitted. "You can only learn how to focus it into something else. How to use that pain, and turn it into a weapon. Turn it into your amour." He continued, afraid that he would lose Dean. "There will be days when it all comes back at once, and you just want to curl into a ball and die. I know Dean, I've been there and it's _hard_. But there will be other days when you feel ok, and you remember what it felt like to have someone who loved you, who still loves you." He closed his eyes as he remembered how torn he'd been after Jess died. "And that thought, that thought of having that one person who will love you forever, that makes each day worth living. You've got to live, for them."

Dean let out a ragged breath. "Where do it start?" He asked, regaining control, his grip loosening on the steering wheel.

Sam smiled gently, there was his brother again, the one who looked for a solution, the one who stayed strong. The one who turned his weaknesses into strengths. Sam leant back on the car. "You let it go brother. You let it go."


End file.
